


I'd rather be so oblivious

by rottingflower



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Anxious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Dialogue-Only, Drunkenness, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Holidays, Idiots in Love, Jealous Crowley (Good Omens), Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Canon, Protective Crowley (Good Omens), Texting, also sassy aziraphale, alternatively titled ''aziraphale's horrible no-good online dating experience'', crack with feelings, going to switzerland for fun, seriously so much pining, there are pet snakes, we think we are funny, why is that not a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:20:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27608228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rottingflower/pseuds/rottingflower
Summary: The world survived a potential Armaggedon, but it's not entirely certain whether it'll survive two lovesick idiots with plenty of more time to text.Or:Crowley and Aziraphale take a little holiday, make bad decisions, and text. A lot. And sometimes terrorize Gabriel, but that's all par for the course.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 53





	I'd rather be so oblivious

**Author's Note:**

> hi! we're two friends who co-wrote this thing. half of it at 5am and the other half after a 4-hour long nap, so there you go. have fun!

why does every angel think that I was responsible for every natural disaster in human history 02:34

I might have exaggerated your “demon-ness” to Upstairs several times. For thwarting purposes, you see. 02:38

y’know after everything we’ve been through and after all the bloody apocalypse insanity the thing most remarkable to me is the fact that everyone still thinks I’m the wily one between the two of us 02:38

have you considered demon-ness yourself angel 02:39

I have, of course, thought about the nature of duality in the context of good versus bad and innate demon-ness several times. Often with you, if you remember our delightful philosophical debate on the topic. 02:41

What are they accusing you of? Are you in need of assistance? 02:41

no I am not ‘in need of assistance’ that’s bloody ridiculous 02:42

I’m a demon 02:43

but seriously angel? Pompeii? while dousing a couple humans in ash could be considered a good time I hardly look like a great big volcano to you now do I 02:44

I’m a demon not a shapeshifting nature wizard 02:44

Well, you have to forgive me for asking, Crowley. Besides, you may not have been responsible for Pompeii, but you are of the shapeshifting sort. And it is not as if Heaven knew that you were in Egypt at the time. 02:45

You have been commended for things you have had even less of an impact on than Pompeii. Need I remind you of that time with the Pope? 02:46

you whisper sweet nothings into the ear of a susceptible human ONCE 02:48

and for the record angel I’m talking about eve, not the pope 02:48

though i also whispered sweet nothings into his very old and equally susceptible ears as well 02:48

I don’t take responsibility for the building because my senses were horribly altered by a despicably evil potion that many humans fall prey to 02:49

I won’t go into further details just to spare your poor angelic sensibilities 02:49

I am hardly that naive, you know. And I don’t believe they were ‘sweet nothings’, as you call them. Sweet temptations, yes, you’re rather good at that sort of thing, aren’t you? The humans do as they please, but you certainly have a hand in getting them there, wily old serpent. 02:55

I cannot help but notice that you still haven’t told me what you have been accused of. Are there angels bothering you? Heaven may have ‘sacked’ me, as it were, but I can still help you. I don’t want you to deal with all of that yourself. Do I need to come over? Are you at home? 02:56

I will be there in thirty minutes. I will try to find a taxi, but they are awfully hard to come by at this time. 03:01

do not come over 03:01

wait 03:01

‘old serpent?’ that’s just rude I’m not that old 03:02

DON’T COME OVER I’m in a state of. being unprepared 03:02

why do you always do this 03:02

I am coming over. You have twenty more minutes to be prepared. I have found this awful cab driver - he reminds me of you a little bit. It might be because I might have convinced him to drive a little faster than he is supposed to. Still the speed limit, mind you. I’m not a demon. 03:04

Dear. You are six thousand and a bit years old. At this point, it would be the gracious thing to accept it. 03:05

~*~*~*~

“Just so you know, humans actually find it despicably impolite to show up without warning. Or with dismal warning. As you can see, I am perfectly fine and not at all affected by anything those winged bastards said about me. Everything is just perfectly peachy in Casa Crowley. Bye bye, angel.”

‘’I’ve heard it is actually most impolite to turn away house guests, especially if they have come in the middle of the night to make sure you are alright. How did they even find you, my dear boy? Did they just… knock at your door? Good gracious, they didn’t bring any Holy Water, did they?’’

“Yeah okay, just invite yourself in - and no, but I almost wish they had. Any form of demonic torture pales in comparison to Gabriel speaking. I think children fall dead every time he opens his mouth. That’s a terrible thing, right? I wouldn’t know, I despise children.” 

“Please don’t joke about them bringing Holy Water, Crowley. I don’t think I can take it if you joke about Holy Water.”

“Oh, don’t get all soft, angel -”

“I’m not _soft_ , I’m just _concerned_. Rightfully so, I should think -” 

“There wasn’t any Holy Water involved, just Gabriel prattling on for so long that I think Hell actually did freeze over. I’d thought about popping down there and check midway through his monologue.”

“You should have _told_ me about angels coming over, especially if it involves Gabriel. What did you do that warranted a visit from an archangel, my dear? I thought your plan was to lay low, for a while. Oh, this couch is very comfortable.”

“Which is sad, because its _intended_ purpose is to cause intense discomfort. I guess I’ll be burning it tonight -”

“Do not burn the couch, Crowley, it’s a lovely spot to curl up in with a good book, I’d think. It’d be an awful shame to go around burning your furniture.” 

“Yes, _well_ , anyway, for some reason, Gabriel seems to have it in his feathery, tiny little head that I’ve gone and bloody brought ‘demonic omens’ upon all of us. I reckon he saw a snake while he was eating a very boring sandwich during one of his boring walks and he seemed to think it was the end of the world. And here I thought _I_ was the most dramatic person I knew.” 

“I’m just glad you’re still okay, even if Gabriel seems a bit… intent on thwarting the adversaries. I don’t think he still trusts me to do that kind of thing. Oh, do you think you could put on a kettle of Earl Grey? I had to leave a perfectly good cup at - oh. I suppose you’d want me to leave, now we’ve established that you’re all fine and dandy. Unwanted houseguests, and all that unpleasurable business… Crowley?”

~*~*~*~

next time I want alcohol in the tea 13:44

it’s the only bloody thing that can make it bearable I reckon 13:44

Don’t you remember 1717? Because I do. 14:57

no 15:07

selective memory does me wonders, angel 15:08

maybe it’d do miracles for you too. better watch out for those frown lines 15:08

I already know you think that I’m not very appealing, Crowley 15:12

1717 is the reason I will not be giving you alcohol in your tea. You can do alcohol before or after tea, but if I have to sit through one more argument on your side about how wine in tea should make sense, I might have to take some drastic measures. 15:14

It doesn’t even make sense. Tea and wine are both of Heaven. 15:14

I think. 15:14

No more wine for you, I mean. 15:15

I didn’t 15:16

say 15:16

reckon you need to adjust your definition of the word ‘drastic’, angel. shoddy punishment, that. wine is amateur level 15:17

Well, punishments are more of your ex-side. We angels like justice more than anything. 15:22

The last time I cut off your wine you would not talk to me for two months, Crowley. I feel like your flair of the dramatic makes it very difficult for me to actually do anything else without you disappearing for a year. 15:24

I would worry, you know. 15:24

this irritating old lady dropped all her bloody apples all over the grocery store floor yesterday and I helped her pick them up even though I swore I’d never touch an apple again after this mess 18:59

she pestered me with money even though I outright hissed at her 19:00

maybe she was blind and couldn’t see the yellow eyes 19:00

then she got fed up and bought me a box of expensive chocolates and hell knows I have no appreciation for ‘finer things’ so you might as well come over and relieve me of them before I throw them into my convenient furniture incinerator 19:02

which I did not buy out of pettiness when you told me not to burn furniture 19:03

I bought it for other necessary reasons 19:03

Of course you did. That is a very kind offer of you. 19:34

I am reading an endlessly fascinating story, but I will come to yours right after. No more than three hours at most. 19:35

fine but I won’t guarantee that I won’t throw a chocolate in the incinerator every hour out of boredom 19:41

and also spite against incessantly persistent old ladies 19:41

my face still hasn’t recovered from her pinching me 19:42

3 hours angel 22:37

Open the door. 23:09

~*~*~*~

“Here.”

“Oh! Oh, Crowley, it’s so nice of you to share these with me. I know you’re not necessarily fond of sweets, but these are rather good. And it’s very nice to hear you got them as a present for helping someone out!”

“ _Oi_ , I didn’t ‘help out.’ It was for convenience and convenience only. This doesn’t make me _nice_ , angel. Demon, remember.” 

“Yes, well, I rather haven’t seen any other demons share chocolates with their hereditary enemies. Besides, my dear, you know that the other angels - well. I think we’re both wildly aware that our respective sides are not - _you know_.”

“No, I- mph. Yes. Bloody well and all that. I did some redecorating and don’t have a couch anymore but you might as well come in instead of faffing about in my doorway like a perplexed pigeon.”

“Oh - oh, yes. Of course. It’s just - Crowley. Is that a throne?”

“No. It’s a regular chair that happens to only look like a throne. No resemblance or similarities to thrones whatsoever.”

“Oh, and you moved some of your plants here! They are so beautiful, oh, and very soft leaves -”

“Will you stop _th_ \- these _plants_. Usually I rule them with an _iron fist_ , but visitors are rare and I reckon that’s why they’re so bloody fidgety.”

“They are so lovely! Just look at how green they are! Oh, I reckon there’s no place in London with greener plants, my dear. You must be very proud. No, put that little fellow down, he’s all trembling in fear! If you don’t want him, you ought to give him to me. I won’t stand for you terrorising the poor things!”

“I’m sorry, have we met? Crowley, _terrorizing demon_ for centuries. Let’s just say they have _very good incentive_ to be green. Nothing is above incineration.” 

‘’Yes, well, your tendency to discard anything that is not perfect will not make your plants grow better, my dear. No being can live in fear for _that_ long. Hmm - these chocolates really _are_ quite good. I wonder where she got them, this non-charity case of yours. Lay off the plants, my dear, no need to be so restless.’’

“Exactly why do you think they’re so green, angel. Magic? Witchcraft? Inexplicable demonic powers? Miracles? Terror is doing a pretty good job, innit? Why fix what’s broken? Also I’m not _restless_. I just happen to be able to- to- ugh. Never mind.” 

“Where do you keep your wine? A good red will calm your nerves, although whatever has you this jumpy, I’m sure I couldn’t say. And I’ve told you before, Crowley, fear may go a long way for short-term, but it will not keep them in line forever. It didn’t keep _me_ in li- oh, there’s a good red. That will go splendidly with the chocolates, too. You really ought to try one - oh, here.”

“D’you re- mm. -Reckon that anyone will miss Gabriel? In case something unexplained and horrible happened to him?”

“ _Happen_ to Gabriel? Crowley, my dear, Gabriel’s an _archangel_ -”

“ _Archangel_ seems like a lot of letters when you could just say _arsehole_ instead -”

“Whatever could - well, I don’t see why you should bring this up anyway-”

“Simpler and far more reflective of Gabriel -”

“I really don’t see why you’d want to talk about Gabriel of all things. Oh. Oh, dear. Did he come to visit again? Crowley, you should tell me these things!”

“No, he didn’t visit. I just felt an unexplained rush of seething dislike for him as we sat here talking about the use of fear as a controlling tool.” 

“It wasn’t all _that_ bad. They left me to my own devices, so to speak, for most of the time. You know this, Crowley, and it’s not as if Hell was especially - they didn’t treat you any more kindly than they did me. Gabriel mostly - well, if I’d been the kind of angel they’d wanted me to be, I wouldn’t have ended up on your floor, sipping red wine and eating chocolates, would I? Heaven was - no, Heaven still is - that is, they never actually - technically. I wasn’t _that_ afraid, and if I was, it was only because I’ve never been much of a brave soldier. I can admit that freely.”

“Well, if we’d all been the bloody soldiers of the Ineffable Plan that they’d wanted us to be then maybe Gabriel would’ve happily perished for the bloody cause instead of existing among us like a cockroach with a stick in his arse. Which is _worse_ , angel.” 

“Crowley, it’s not all that simple. If Gabriel is here, then that is part of the Plan, and it’s all according to Her Plan, everything that’s happening, everything that we have been doing. Our association, and everything I’ve been - all of it, I mean. Oh, look at that time, I really ought to not take up your whole evening - thank you for the chocolates, I’ll be out of your hair now. I will, erm, I will talk to you later?”

~*~*~*~

I am sorry for leaving so suddenly, Crowley. 04:01

The chocolates were really wonderful. 04:03

fine 06:55

~*~*~*~

Do you want to get lunch today? The Ritz? 15:23

is the wine ban over 15:25

I can be tempted into giving you some wine. It is really far more pleasant to drink wine with good company, I’ve found. 15:28

I have been gifted a good bottle of white wine. 15:29

I know you prefer red, but if you are available for lunch, you can come over to mine afterwards and we can open it up. 15:30

the only thing I have ever been known for is my temptation skills 15:33

who 15:33

who gave you the wine I mean 15:34

bit of a fancy gift to give someone, wine 15:36

was it a serenade 15:38

You wouldn’t know them. 15:44

don’t be irritating angel 15:44

My apologies. 15:48

I’m busy today 15:48

going to go buy a bag full of pebbles and pelt people who carve their initials into trees 15:50

maybe Wine Gifter Anonymous can open up the wine with you 15:51

I’d really rather not, seeing as that would be inappropriate. 15:52

But if you’re busy, I won’t force you to have lunch with me. 15:53

I did mean what I said about preferring good company, Crowley. I am sorry if I’m taking up too much of your time. 15:55

I will talk to you later, then. 15:58

djfhakhcsjfb 16:00

Aziraphale. 16:01

it’s just. what I do. Demon and all 16:01

are you still going to the ritz on your own 16:20

No. I do not think I am very hungry, in hindsight. 16:35

your hindsight needs glasses 16:37

be there in ten come if you want 16:40

~*~*~*~

‘’Have you decided to lift your wine ban without me to share the wine with you?’’

“Without you to order the food, I just kept ordering wine, angel.” 

“Well, you gave me only ten minutes. What was I to do, sprint to your side? It takes me at least fifteen minutes to get from the shop to here, Crowley. And I didn’t think you wanted to come.”

“Ten minutes is enough to get drunk when you’re ambitious, I reckon.” 

“Is that what you’ve been doing? Well, I better catch up then. Pour me a glass. Oh, that does smell rich.”

“Order something. There’s a pithivier that seems right up your alley, angel. Did you bring the bottle from Wine Gifter Anonymous or are we in for that later?” 

“I will take your word for it, my dear. And I thought we might save that bottle for later. Besides, she has a perfectly serviceable name, you know. Sally is a perfectly kind woman, you know, and I don’t understand why you’re being so - well, you know.”

“What. Mean? Irritable? A bastard? Think you should’ve seen this coming from a mile away, angel.” 

“ _Jealous_ , I wanted to say, jealous. God knows why. It is not as if I’ve been hanging around other people for six thousand years, Crowley.”

“ _Jealous_? Oi, I’m not- _jealous_ -”

“Then what are you being?”

“Pick an adjective, angel! Mean? Nosy? _Jealous_ , I -” 

“You are the only one I would ever have finished that bottle with, you know. Besides, it’s not what you think. It’s just -”

“- I don’t _think_ anything -”

“Oh, bother, it’s embarrassing, okay? That is why I didn’t want to tell you.”

“ _Embarrassing?_ ” 

“You’ll laugh at me.”

“Do I look even remotely like I’m laughing, angel.”

“No, but I know you, Crowley, and you’ll laugh and poke fun, and I _like_ what I’m doing - and I don’t want you, you and your - your _fiendish morals_ \- not that you’re not kind in your own way-”

“ _Not kind_ , angel.” 

“Of course, despite your objections, but - you would. Laugh. I mean.”

“For Heav- Hell’s- Fine. Keep your secrets, angel -”

‘’I’ve been volunteering.’’

“I’d bloody well hope so. We’re all volunteering precious time we can’t get back to talk to Gabriel-”

“Not like _that_ , Crowley, would you just - I’ve been volunteering for this association for, oh, say about two decades now. It’s this group in favour of gay rights-”

“ _Ngk_ -” 

“And I know you always scoff at anything to do with love, you always _have_ , but this is rather important to me, you see? And they presented me with this bottle of wine to show that they appreciated my help, and - will you just stop _staring_ at me?”

“Wh- What. Just because I’m a _demon_ doesn’t mean I have any moral platitudes concerning consenting adults and what they do with their time, angel. Gay rights doesn’t always mean _love_ , in any case. I need more bloody wine. And I’ve no idea what you’ve got your feathers in a twist over.” 

“It’s always to do with love, Crowley. And I remember you scoffing at me helping those poor men back in-”

“- _Rome_? I was scoffing because I always scoffed! _Scoffing_ is part of my personality! I’m scoffing _now_!” 

“-And you never liked me talking about relationships, or even the all-encompassing love of the angels, so I’d rather thought I should avoid the subject completely, and just save you a lot of laughing at silly old me. Erm. I reckon.’’

“I literally do not care what you do with your time, Aziraphale.” 

“Then why do you-”

“ _When_ it doesn’t have to _do_ with me. Wait. No, I mean. Ugh. _I mean_ -”

“So glad to know you have some vested interest in our friendship, Crowley, really-”

“Damn it, angel. I _meant_ that you can- I won’t- _nitpick you_ for your hobbies or- or whatever it is you’re doing for people just because I’m a demon. And yes. I _will_ laugh at you, but that’s just- a side effect. It’s what I do, because I’m wretched. So keep doing your precious little angel activities and- and- y’know. I don’t need to spell it out. You _know_.” 

“I don’t think you’re wretched. And - yes, I do know, but you’ve always made fun of me a little bit. And I know you don’t mean it, but in a way, I suppose - well. Heaven really did mean it. And they didn’t like it, either.”

~*~*~*~

I didn’t mean to break the glass. just happened, really 22:39

Don’t fret over it, my dear. I made a rather generous donation to make up for it. What do glasses cost anyway, these days? Do you think 100 pounds covered it? 22:48

seems about right to me 22:50

did you know that gabriel bought a snake 23:08

He did, really? How peculiar. 23:23

reckon he’s off his rocker, angel 23:28

I rather think so, too. Snakes need a lot of attention. They also tend to be fond of very expensive red wine. 23:35

subtle as a rock through a glass window as always, angel 23:38

wait 23:40

you know snakes don’t actually ingest red wine right 23:41

you’ve literally been alive for a million bloody years please tell me you know a snake’s diet 23:43

You’re not one to talk. Did I not have to explain to you what that second unicorn was for, back in the days of Noah? 00:38

By the way, you’re snake enough for me, darling. As long as I know your diet, I don’t see why I should know what to feed other snakes. 00:41

sdfkj 02:32

we 02:32

we need to rescue that snake from gabriel 02:33

i think he bought it because he thinks it’s a roundabout way to get to me 02:33

Oh goodie. Do I get to drive the get-away van? Very excited!! 04:53

are you 04:57

being sarcastic 04:57

snake lives are at risk, angel. This is no time for jokes. 04:59

Text me again when you have quit your delusional dreams about breaking into an archangel’s home for snake-rescuing purposes, my dear. I’m going to return my book. Cheerio! 05:12

this is so bloody rude 05:13

~*~*~*~

Crowley are you awake 02:31

Crowley 02:31

I hope that you are not sleeping 02:31

I would be lying if I said I’m not somewhat panicking 02:35

Crowley 02:35

Crowley Beelzebub is here 02:37

Help? 03:01

bloody bastard traffic lights 03:08

angel 03:09

angel 03:11

are you ok 03:12

i am almost there 03:14

i’m not texting and driving 03:14

ok i am but i wouldn’t have to if you would ANSWER YOUR PHONE 03:16

~*~*~*~

“Thank God you’re here, Crowley! Come in, quickly, it’s cold out!”

“Where the Hell is she? Oi, Beelzebub, if you’ve _done anythi_ -” 

“No, no, she left, you just missed her. Apart from a rather pricey first edition of _Catcher in the Rye_ and an unfortunate misprinted King James Bible edition, everyone got out unharmed.”

“I always felt Gabriel was well-represented by that little arsehole Holden Caulfield myself. Are you- you know-” 

“I’m fine. Rather shaken, to be honest. I was just minding my own business and there she was, in the middle of the store - you can imagine my shock. She wanted to discuss-”

“-Discuss? _A demon? Discuss-?_ ”

“Discuss my Fall, Crowley, she rather thought - well, we did leave certain impressions. An angel immune to hellfire? She thought I’d. Become a demon. Fallen. I convinced her that it is not the case, but she still seemed a bit - hesitant to believe. That I’m still an angel, I mean.”

“Offer’s still on the table, angel. We could find a new universe. This one’s positively dismal, I reckon. Beelzy on this end, Gabriel on that end-”

“Yes, yes, certainly, but we’re - we are rather in the middle of it, aren’t we? Our very own side, in the very middle, right in the place with the best view on everything else. I do like that, darling. I don’t think I could leave.”

“You know, angel, it’s not always _fun_ to be in the middle of this petty back and forth. _I’m_ calling it petty. I thrive on pettiness.” 

“Oh, I know you do. My very own petty snake.’’

“Ngk.” 

“We would be - less in the middle if we were. Together. I mean, in one place. You know I’ve been worrying about Gabriel and how he seems to suspect you of all kinds of heinous acts, and I have to admit I was rather shaken at Beelzebub’s appearance. If you’d been here - that would have made me feel better, Crowley-”

“Bloody _traffic lights_ -”

“-I was concerned for you, too, when she just appeared. I’d feared she would take you back to Hell.”

“I tire of this, angel. I despise Gabriel and I’m not exactly _fond_ of Beelzebub. Is it too much to ask for some goddamn peace and bloody _quiet_?” 

“Maybe - we could take a little holiday. Go sightseeing. Leave London for a bit, while Gabriel sits here. Do you - I’ve always wanted to go back to Switzerland, do you know. I don’t think we ever were there at the same time.”

“ _Switzerland?_ …. Hm. Switzerland. Reckon it’s been a while, yeah. Switzerland…” 

“They have divine cheese, darling.”

“Alcohol, too?” 

‘’There’s not a place in this world that the humans haven’t invented good alcohol, Crowley.”

“America.”

“Touché, as they say.”

“Probably got some of those bl- chocolates that you like. I reckon.” 

“Is this a yes?”

“Yeah, Aziraphale. Let’s go to Switzerland.”

~*~*~*~

Crowley, do you think I would need hiking boots? 19:58

what 20:02

I’m packing my bag. 20:05

you’re what 20:05

Did you change your mind? 20:06

about switzerland? No. i’m ready when you are, angel 20:08

Well, I’m not ready, because I don’t know if I need hiking boots. And I’m still deciding whether I want to bring the English translation of the Iliad or rather the German one. 20:12

you’re bringing… things? 20:14

I don’t want to use too many frivolous miracles, my dear. To avoid Heaven’s radar. 20:17

Besides, the human way has certain charms. I’m just not sure everything will fit. 20:19

The plane leaves at 7 tomorrow morning. We need to be there on time, I’ve understood. At least three hours beforehand? It seems a bit tedious, but I’m sure we will amuse ourselves. You can create some havoc for bypassers. I know you’ll like that. 20:31

THE WHAT 20:34

I don’t recall us having bloody BAGS at the Ark! In Rome? Paris! 20:36

What do YOU MEAN 20:36

i’m not getting on a bloody plane angel 20:39

You bought the tickets, darling. 20:44

for SHOW 20:50

I wasn’t actually going to get in that metal death trap with a bunch of humans 20:52

what if there’s a BABY 20:55

I already know you will be there 20:58

is that a threat 21:07

Do not fear, Crowley. I will hold your hand if you’re afraid. 21:22

I’m NOT AFRAID 21:34

Wait 21:34

I’m not AFRAID 21:36

I don’t want to be in a tiny box with a bunch of humans angel that sounds like Hell and I just came from there 21:38

:( 21:41

don’t 21:41

:’( 21:41

don’t. 21:42

See you tomorrow at four, darling! 21:45

~*~*~*~

i hate you 03:49

I know you don’t. 03:54

The feeling is mutual. 03:58

Obviously. 03:58

~*~*~*~

“I have to admit, angel, it’s - _odd_ , to see you in this getup.”

‘’This - oh. That is to, erm, say, you don’t like it? I know it’s not how I would normally choose to dress, but we are hiking in the mountains, and if my past experience with Switzerland is anything to go by, you don’t want to be overdressed.”

“What _is_ your experience with Switzerland? I don’t recall doing anything particularly drastic here myself.” 

“Oh, there were some saints here during the - what was it, twelfth century? I think you were mostly in Azcapotzalco around the time -”

“Twelfth century Azcapotzalco left quite a lot of room for havoc, it’s true -”

“- I had an assignment from Upstairs to steer some souls in the right direction, so to speak. Not very taxing work, but they did rather like living in remote places, and you know how the roads were back then.”

“It’s… quiet. Far less commotion. Dunno if that’s good or bad for demons.” 

‘’You’re not a very ordinary demon, however.”

“... Reckon they have good pizza in Switzerland?” 

“I’m rather sure they do, my darling.”

“Gotten quite fond of the- that combination some humans find atrocious. On pizza.” 

“Whatever combination do you mean? The combination of several cheese flavours? I think it’s rather good, really.”

“Pineapple, angel. I’m more partial to the salty and sweet combination than I care to admit.” 

“ _Pineapple_ on _pizza_? That _does_ seem like an abomination, my dear-”

“Abomination favors abomination-”

“-I was there when pizza was first made, you know - don’t call yourself an abomination, darling, you’re really rather beautiful - and I don’t think pineapple was ever on the menu back in the day. I rather doubt the Italians would look upon it very favourably.”

“Reckon you’ve gone a bit blind in your old age, Aziraphale. Forget your reading glasses at home? Here.” 

‘’Crowley, we said _no miracles_ \- oh, you wily serpent, just put those back where you got them from. And don’t act as if you don’t know. You’ve been turning heads everywhere, don’t think I haven’t noticed. Besides, I already knew back in Eden, and I could hardly have been called old back _then_.”

“ _You_ said no miracles. I subscribed to no such thing. And for that matter, it’s not _me_ they were looking at. And if they were, it was because of the very obvious and unnerving _snake thing_ going on above.” 

“With your sunglasses? I think not. Here, it’s just the two of us. Let me take those off for you - yes, that is much better.”

“....” 

‘’I’m not an idiot, darling.”

“Be easier if you were, I reckon.” 

“We’re in the Alps, and you’re still wearing tight leather pants.”

“Swiss hikers need something to look at other than mountains. And you.”

“Well, if you’re insisting upon being the sight here. I imagine that’s much better than little old me. Oh, I do look ridiculous, don’t I? You should’ve said.”

“Ridiculous isn’t exactly the word I’d use, Aziraphale. Though what does it matter coming from me, considering I lie most of the time.” 

“Not to me. You’ve never lied to me.”

“I told you I wasn’t afraid of the plane less than two days ago. Lie.” 

“Not when it matters, then. Unlike me. It’s a funny thing, isn’t it?”

“I don’t. Even know where to start there. I’m not a _nice person_ , angel. And that isn’t funny. You _do_ m- you know. It’s so bloody difficult to say all these stupid words all the time. I hardly understand how you do it.” 

“But you _are_ nice, you are, and I’ll be damned if I say it, Crowley, but most days I rather believe you’re nicer than I am. We’re in Switzerland because I panicked about Beelzebub, when you haven’t been disturbed for a minute by Gabriel’s presence, even though _I was_ , and you give me chocolates and wine. You’ve always made time for me, and taken me out for lunch, even when I was absolutely horrible to you. And I’m still afraid, most of the time. Afraid of Heaven and of Hell, of doing too many miracles, and afraid of if they’ll do something to take yo- all of this away. Crowley, I can’t -”

“Stop. _Stop._ You’ve never been horrible to me, only honest. Because I bring it all down on myself with all that _general demon-ness_. And I _am_ disturbed by Gabriel’s presence. I despise him and every time I see him I think I could wring his neck just on principle for what- for what he-”

“I have been horrible, more horrible than Gabriel-”

“The bloody _hell_ you have-” 

“-horrible _because_ of Gabriel, and because of Heaven, and I don’t care if you’re nervous to step into a plane, Crowley-”

“-Aziraphale-”

“-because I’ve been afraid of Heaven my whole life and it took me six thousand years to step into any metaphorical plane with you, and you _did hold my hand_. Erm. Metaphorically.”

“Well they were bloody wretched to you! What were you supposed to do, take it with a smile? I could kill Gabriel just for that alone. Bastard. Being horrible in self-defense hardly even counts as being horrible. And _you_ are the _furthest_ thing from horrible, ang- Aziraphale. Full honesty.” 

“I don’t think you’ll ever accept my apology, will you? For how awful I was to you during the hours before Armageddon?”

“I don’t even remember them. Selective memory, angel.” 

“Ah. Yes. I rather think you have the right of it, darling. Oh, I can see a little church in the distance. That looks awfully familiar, actually.”

“Brilliant. Consecrated ground. And here I am, without my church shoes.” 

“A true demon, you. Come on, love.”

“Going to bridal carry me into church, angel?” 

“If you wish.”

~*~*~*~

angel 18:19

angel 18:19

Aziraphale 18:21

hurry back from the restroom this couple in the line keeps trying to talk to me 18:21

aziraphale help 18:23

I’m sorry, Crowley, there’s a boy crying in here. I’ll try to help him first. 18:24

unbelievable 18:24

can i use one of my ‘please be selfish’ coupons 18:25

aziraphale she is talking about her children and she has thirteen of them i’m going to pass out 18:28

Sorry darling, you used your last one for stealing that dying plant from the hotel room. 18:29

going to incinerate the little bastard for this 18:31

You will manage, I’m sure. 18:33

I’m coming now. I’ve had a good talk with Johann and I think he feels a little better now. 18:34

hh does he? does he? good for bloody johann 18:34

this is a betrayal i’ll never forget 18:35

I’ll buy you a new plant to incinerate. 18:35

fuck 18:36

~*~*~*~

“Crowley. I think, erm. Gabriel, that is to say, Gabriel texted me.”

“Why are we never free from Gabriel? What did the smarmy bastard want? To ask your opinion on yet another devastatingly horrible haircut?” 

“He’s asking me if you’re here, actually. Should I say yes?”

“Phone- Gimme your ph-”

“ _Crowley!_ ’’

“Ah, here we go. Smile.” 

“That is an _atrocious_ picture.”

“Don’t worry, my finger covers the panic in your face pretty well.” 

“You can’t send a picture of your middle finger to my old boss!”

“ _Old_ boss, angel.”

“Still. It’s very rude.”

“ _And_ , I already sent it.” 

“Oh, he texted back. Tell me what he’s saying, Crowley!”

“Nah. I’m keeping this for a bit, by the way. Here, take mine. You can play Candy Crush.” 

“Candy Crush? Oh, Crowley, why is your pass code six-six-six? That’s a bit stereotypical even for you. Why do you have so many dating apps on your phone?”

“People watching.” 

“Is this part of the whole ‘lust’ thing, then?”

“If you’re asking me, angel, if I go around hooking up with humans from dating apps, then no. It’s purely self-serving interest.” 

“I didn’t think you’d - I mean, you’ve never - I rather thought - erm. Well, _tempting_ people was mostly your job, of course. But you’ve never?”

“Why the interest, Aziraphale?” 

“Oh, there’s another text from Gabriel. Please just read them to me, Crowley, it’s not as if I’m texting these new, new - _matches_ from your Tinder account! Is this what you were smirking at yesterday when you wouldn’t let me see what you were doing?”

“It’s fun to see how they react when I tell them I’m a demon. Also, he’s…. asking me about snake things, for some reason. I think he has more of them now. Does he think I’m telepathically tied to every snake in the world?”

“I want to say no, but I did promise you I wouldn’t lie to you again.”

“Heav- Hell’s sake. I think he has three snakes now. For some reason, he’s trying to get at me through them. No wonder he’s been so paranoid. I wonder if he jumps at the sight of apples, too.” 

“Gabriel always _did_ have a preference for pears, if I recall correctly. Do you know, once in 1993 he recalled me to Heaven to tell me to influence the intake of pears? Quite ridiculous, of course.”

“Surprised you didn’t smite him right then and there.” 

“I influenced the sales of apples, instead.”

“That’s my angel.”

~*~*~*~

angel 11:31

got a pineapple pizza but it wasn’t the same 11:31

switzerland was nice 14:12

~*~*~*~

are you ok angel 08:17

~*~*~*~

are you mad about the plane ride back. I didn’t mean to bruise your hand but the landing was more stressful than i reckoned it’d be 22:09

text back or i’ll incinerate Kenneth 02:56

~*~*~*~

angel? 06:49

~*~*~*~

Aziraphale? 13:12

~*~*~*~

Crowley 22:31

where the bloody hell have you been Aziraphale 22:33

i went by the bookstore and it had a closed sign 22:34

didn’t even know you had a closed sign 22:34

Of course I have a closed sign, I'm not open at all times, am I? 22:36

Anyway, I’m sorry for disappearing. 22:38

I did something very stupid. 22:39

Even more stupid than giving away my flaming sword. 22:40

do not leave me in suspense aziraphale 22:41

Do you remember when you talked about Tindel, in Switzerland? 22:43

i’m coming over 22:45

~*~*~*~

‘’Cr _ow_ ley! My dear- dearest boy! Snake! Dearest serpent! You know, this wine is won- wond- really good! You should try some!”

“Sit. Sit down. Ang- Aziraphale, what the bloody hell have you done?”

“I’ve been - I did tell you, r’member? At the Ritz, and you didn’t laugh, even though you think love is stupid?”

“I- _What_? I didn’t- _what?_ ” 

“Well, when I got the wine - the white, the white wine, and you didn’t want to see me, and then we went to the Ritz! You remember? And I - I told you, m’dear boy, I told you about how I’ve been a vol- a volun- I help the gay people? And they’ve - for some reason, they’ve come to the concl- conclusion that I am utterly, completely gay, too!”

“Are you telling me you needed a- a group of gay people to tell you you’re gay?” 

“No, no, I’ve rather - gender, such a weird thing for us, don’t you think? But no, I’ve known who and what I like for - oh, let’s say, a few thous- thousand years? Which is not the point, of course, because, because the _point is_ , they asked me for this - this event, that I’m helping with, and I said, yes, always glad to help out, b’cause I’m supposed to, b’cause I’m an angel, you see?”

“The motivations there seem a bit skewed, angel. Shouldn’t you do things because you _want_ to do them. Give me that, I think you’ve had quite en-” 

“No!”

“Angel-”

“No, no, I rather do think I need _more_ , actually - anyway, no, I want to help, ‘f course, because for a long time - for a long time, this was such a _forbidden_ , they weren’t allowed to love who they wanted, you see, which is _terrible,_ and I - for so long, they were told it’s wrong, and so was I, so I can commis - I _know_ how they, how they’re feeling. Loving someone that’s - who they were told they - they couldn’t love. But! But then they said - they said, ‘gosh darn, Mr. Fell, you - you should bring your’n, your own boyfriend!’ And! Crowley!!! Do you _know_ what I said?”

“I’m frankly terrified to hear the answer to that question, Aziraphale.” 

“I said! I said! I said that I’d - I’d bring my, my boyfriend! That’s the _point_! So, I r’membered this, Tindel thing, b’cause you said - I thought, I’ll find someone to - to _act_ the part. But then! Then I had to - to go on these _dates._ Crowley! Dates are, they’re - they are _horrible_!”

“I need to sit down.” 

“I’ve got - Crowley, that - that chair’s so _far_ away!”

“Angel. _Aziraphale_. Why didn’t you just…” 

“Hm?”

“ _Why didn’t you just_ \- are you really going to make me _spell_ it out?” 

“I’ve never seen you spell anything in your - your life, darling.”

“Incredibly rude, that.” 

“Crowley! There - there was this _man_ , and he was - so horrible, some h’mans, humen? I’ve - I tried to be _nice_ , but I could just - horrible. And the pick-on lines!”

“ _What-_? Fuck- weak bloody glasses, why do they always- _Angel_. The next time you come up with a half-arsed plan in this capacity just- for once- could you _consult_ me? Centuries together and you still thought _Tinder_ was a better idea than just asking me for help?” 

“It’s - it’s actually pronou- it’s Tindel.”

“It absolutely is not pronounced Tindel.” 

“Cr’wley. Crooowley. Take - take off your glasses - there you go. Oopsie, these - these clumsy hands of, hands of mine!”

“ _Oi_ , watch where you- put your- fingers, angel, that’s my _eye_ -” 

‘’Very pretty, yes.”

“I have to g- I have to get out of here. Text me when you’re- No. You won’t remember. I’m leaving you a note, angel. Text me when you’re sober.”

“Nev’r want to be sober!”

“I’m taking this wine bottle with me.” 

“ _Demon!_ ”

~*~*~*~

Well, now I am embarrassed. 09:12

Crowley? 10:18

show me your tinder profile and i’ll forget all about what i heard 10:54

Did I tell you about Tinder? 10:59

Oh no. 11:00

I thought I just got drunk. 11:01

Fuck. 11:01

ooh, blasphemy. And yes, you told me about Tinder, angel. Good- nay, great friend that i am, i hardly even laughed at you for it either. 11:04

This isn’t funny, Crowley 11:08

on the contrary i find it quite hilarious angel 11:11

What did I tell you, exactly? 11:12

blah blah, you’re gay, blah blah, needed a date, blah blah, humans are horrible. Think that’s what got through the copious wine you consumed 11:15

I didn’t… show you the Tinder messages, did I? 11:18

I don’t think I’m very good at flirting, Crowley. No one seems to notice when I try. 11:20

I think I’m going to cancel on the event. It’s a silly thing, anyway. They don’t really want me there. 11:23

for fuck’s sake, angel 11:25

i’ll come get you twenty mins before it starts 11:26

delete tinder before you get discorporated by a serial killer 11:30

Already did. 11:32

Have you ever heard of furries? 11:32

with the most sincerity i have ever mustered in my blasphemous life i am sorry aziraphale 11:34

So am I, my dear boy. So am I. 11:37

~*~*~*~

“Well, you had twenty bloody opportunities to tell me there was a dress code, angel.”

‘’Don’t whine, Crowley. Besides, if I’d told you it’s a black-tie event, would you really have changed clothes?”

“I might have- picked up- a black tie. Or something.” 

“I rather believe it would have been ‘or something’. They are not paying attention to us anyway - besides, you already went to a lot of trouble to take me here. You didn’t have to, and yet you did. I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable wearing clothes you don’t like.”

“....So everyone believes we’re gay, huh.” 

‘’Erm, that is - yes. I might have told them that I’ve been dating someone for a - rather long time, actually.”

“Oh good. Not only are we gay, but committed. Reckon this is what we deserve for circling each other for centuries, I s’pose.” 

“I am really sorry that you have to be _gay_ and _committed_ for an entire evening, Crowley. Sorry if I am - how do you say this - _cramping your style_. You didn’t have to come, you know, if the very thought makes you so uncomfortable.”

“Awfully bold of you to say that when I’ve only been committed to one person for my entire existence.” 

“Very funny, Crowley, but I hardly think that your snake persona counts as another person. Or whatever joke you were trying to make.”

“....”

“If you don’t like it with me here, you’re free to go home. I’ve made a token appearance, you’ve fulfilled your friend quota for the month. I don’t mean to take up your time. I shouldn’t have - this was a bad idea in the first place.”

“ _Friend quota_? You think I’m here to fulfill some meaningless, arbitrary requirement? You think I even care about things like that? Best not cause a scene, angel, people might think we’re having a _domestic_. I’m going to go get drunk.” 

“Fine! Fine. Do whatever you want. You’ve made it awfully clear that that is what you’re going to do, anyway!”

~*~*~*~

yr n idiot azzy 04:11

I don’t want to talk to you 04:15

don’ ttalk 04:17

i tried t be meaningful today n look where that ogt me 04:18

this hwole thin g is bullshit 04:20

and not the funn kind 04:34

Crowley 04:55

I can’t do this with you 04:55

Any time I try, you just keep changing the subject 04:57

There is no fun kind of bullshit 05:02

there is hwen i’m w you 05:09

~*~*~*~

Did you get home safe? 11:12

I’m sorry. 11:15

Crowley? 14:00

I don’t want to worry you but we need to talk 14:07

Beelzebub was here again 14:07

Nothing happened, I promise you 14:08

Good thing you didn’t come to my place, isn’t it? With you being drunk, and me being upset, we probably would not have cut a very good figure. 14:12

Not that I care about what figure I cut with Beelzebub, of all people 14:13

Will you just text me back? Crowley. 14:18

You’re probably right not to text me back. I promised you I wouldn’t be horrible to you anymore, when we were in Switzerland. I tried to convince myself to wait on you, and practise some Virtue. Turns out that I’m not a very good angel, because I have been texting you anyway. 23:34

~*~*~*~

I’m worried about you. Crowley? It’s been three days. I really do not have any patience left. 03:45

~*~*~*~

I would be the worst angel in existence for you if you’d just text me back, Crowley. I tried to visit, but I don’t think you were home. Either that, or you just ignored me. I couldn’t blame you for either. 08:59

~*~*~*~

Crowley 01:11

Please. I would do anything for a text message back from you. If you never want to talk about anything that happened again, that is fine. If you want to steal snakes from Gabriel, I’ll come with you and help you. We don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to talk about. 04:32

I can’t be here if you’re not, Crowley. 12:12

~*~*~*~

i’m back aziraphale 16:02

piss-poor cell reception in hell 16:02

YOU WENT TO HELL???? 16:16

someone had to tell that rat bastard beelzy to stop bugging you and it wasn’t going to be anyone but me, i reckoned 16:20

You insane snake 16:21

I could hit you for this 16:21

I texted GABRIEL of all people to see if he knew where you were 16:23

He told me he’d asked the snakes but they didn’t give him a comprehensible answer 16:25

love those little bastards 16:27

sorry angel 16:27

was gonna text but i thought i could do it from hell 16:27

don’t know why i thought that there’s no cell tower in hell 16:28

goes to show what i know 16:28

also used to nobody being all that worried about my whereabouts but you 16:31

reckoned you were mad enough not to be all that worried i spose 16:32

Don’t ever do this again 16:35

Even if I am mad with you, I would still be worried 16:51

I’ve been worried about you since you accidentally walked into that swamp and almost drowned in Sussex. Why did you pick a helmet you could barely see through? 16:54

Crowley. 17:03

Please never do anything like this again without telling me. 17:04

I thought you didn’t want to be around me anymore. After what I said. 17:10

I can’t be here if you’re not, Aziraphale. 18:33

I rather think we need to talk. 18:40

~*~*~*~

“Back to the park again, huh, angel?”

‘’It seemed fitting. Most of our beginnings and endings have been somewhere in a garden.”

“So what’s this then, angel? A beginning or an ending?” 

“It all really rather depends on you, my dear. I’d hoped - I’d hoped for a beginning.”

“I tried to tell you before, Aziraphale. This can’t be a beginning-” 

‘’Whyever not? It seems to me - well, it seems to me-” 

“- _Because_ I’ve already been committed to you for bloody well ever. I daresay this is our _middle_ , if anything.” 

“Ah. But you’d - _Crowley_. Any time I tried to say something, you changed the subject. You’ve been running away, and I didn’t want you to - to feel pressured into this. You’re my best friend, and you always have been. Besides, if this is - if this is a _middle_ , if that’s what this is, then it means continuing on as we have. Is that what you want?”

“I - I don’t know. I don’t have absolutes, angel. I’ve never felt particularly devoted to _my side_ , to higher beings, to Plans, to destinies, to annoying little children who happen to be the Antichrist. Nothing has ever been absolute but you. _This_. Losing that is- it’s-” 

“I’m rather afraid you’re incapable of losing me. Crowley, I’ve been afraid of Heaven for a long time. You know I’ve been afraid. It’s always been an excuse to keep you safe if I kept you in the dark, but if I don’t say it now, it’s just because I’m, at heart, a coward. And I don’t think I want to be a coward.”

“I must admit, eternity just doesn’t look the same without you, Aziraphale.” 

“I do love you. More dearly than I’ve ever loved anything else. More than I thought I could ever love anything, Crowley. I’ve loved you so much that it’s felt like heresy, sometimes, but mostly it just feels like the most natural thing I’ve ever done.”

“Didn’t you hear me earlier? ‘It’s so bloody difficult to say all these stupid words all the time-’” 

“I can say them for both of us, if you’d like.”

“- Which is to say, I’d really rather just show you.” 

“Oh. _Oh_.”

~*~*~*~

Crowley 13:14

Crowley, what did you do to Gabriel’s snakes? 13:16

might’ve mentioned something to them about recreating the garden of eden 13:40

i’ll text you back later i have to buy 130 apples for unrelated reasons 13:40

I’ll see you at the Ritz tonight, then. Have fun with your fiendish plans. 13:55

I love you. 13:56

gabriel might be here now but you’re still the only angel in the world to me 15:01

i’ll send you pics of makeshift eden later 15:02

gonna go be a demon now 15:02

Foul fiend. 15:12

:) 15:12

**Author's Note:**

> L: * cries in text formatting *


End file.
